Dead man walking...

Hallllllp. Why does my brain short-circuit in the hours before my stand-up set? This is the time that racing thoughts prevent me from forming a cohesive routine....I second-guess ALL my choices and try to reconfigure my whole routine. It's as if I need to re-format and erase all the good with the bad, if you need a geeky metaphor. At this point, I don't even know what the hell a metaphor is...I am doubting I know anything about anything. Seven years of higher education and I feel like a blithering idiot. To add to the delicious feeling of self-loathing, my dear friend from Elaine's will be there to witness the public unravelling, and possibly bring other cronies from the joint. To prove I'm not a fraud, I, of course, want them to witness me being an actual comedian. But they may see me freakin' and fumblin' and fucking up and all messy and that is absolutely terrifying. Why do I think I know what the hell I'm doing? Why am I writing here instead of preparing my set?

Off I go, darlings. Pray for Mama....

Freak Out!

Soooooooooooooo....been too long since I've posted...and I blame my perfectionism for my procrastination like the good little neurotic that I am. I have a guest spot performing stand-up at Gotham Comedy Club on Saturday (at 5:30 in the afternoon, the best time to see comedy) and my brain is twirling round and round in circles like it always does before a show. Basically the inner monologue sounds something like "work? should I talk about work stuff? but that's trite and overdone so I shouldn't but it is universal so maybe I should I should trust myself more oh god why do I think I'm a comedian what a fraud I am....oh hey, how about that dog taking a crap over there? looks like he's constipated, is that something? could I talk about dog constipation? Is that poop humor? Am I playing low? Is that underestimating my audience? Am I someone who only does gross-out humor? Should I dress in a ball gown and wear lots of make-up and jewelry and make that my shtick? Is that something I wear all the time even though it's not very comfortable like jeans and a tee-shirt but every comedian wears jeans and a tee-shirt and I want to be different but I don't want to be full of shit. oh god, I am full of shit...should I talk about how full of shit I am?........."

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Welcome to my world. Come on up and see me some time.