Teach Your Children

In yesterday's NY Times, Judith Warner wrote an "Opinion" piece about privileged children, their over-indulgent parents, and the sense of entitlement that seems to infect the upper and upper-middle classes. She was motivated by an earlier NY Times article about the sleep-away camps that cater to these monied folk, and she bemoans the fate of all this hovering and coddling and breaking of camp policies so Little Madison or Tabor can cell Mommy and whine unceasingly about all the injustices heaped upon his or her wee, precious head. I've experienced this as a counselor for a few years at such a camp, but after a couple of weeks of adjustment for these kids, I realized that they just wanted someone to give a shit about who they were, and to listen to them, and hug them, and listen some more. I've worked as a nanny/mother's helper for many, many rich and semi-famous folk, and the experience has always been the same. The kids love all the goodies, feel they deserve all the doo-dads because they've never been taught to earn something, and yet, when it comes down to it, they just want attention and love. Attention. And love.

In the "comments" section of the piece, J. Nelson of Boston writes to Warner:

This summer I am working as a camp nurse at a relatively expensive day camp. The parents are no different at a day camp as they are at the sleep away camp mentioned in the NYT article last week. Same sense of entitlement.

I do, however, see that almost all the kids need one thing; namely, love and attention. They may have all the gadgets in the world, but what they really want is mom and dad’s attention. And they are simply not getting it. It is such a shame, really. And it has taught me a good lesson for my own parenting. Pay more attention. Hug more. Kids really only need a few minutes of your undivided attention. Really.

I give out so many band-aids all day long. Most kids do not have any real medical needs. They simply need to ‘check in’ with me. I provide them with some kindness and attention, that is all, really. School nurses see this all the time as well. It so saddens me to see parents pick up their children at the end of the day and the parent never hugs the child, doesn’t really listen to what they are saying, and is always, always in a hurry. I have seen dad’s looking at their blackberry as their very excited kid is trying to tell them about their art project. The parent is saying, “Yes, very nice” never even making eye contact with this child. You can see the child just simply melt into the background; shoulders down, smile gone. It is enough to break your heart. The dad has no clue what he has just done. He has really just undone a wonderful day in his kids life. I really don’t get it. Some of these parents are my neighbors. We do live in an affluent area, but I am seeing things now that I could never see in the ‘hood. It is so enlightening. The show. How vacuous.

For the record, the kids are great. They run and laugh and play and do not have a care in the world for at least 7 hours. The camp provides them an atmosphere that allows them just to be themselves and have fun. There are no rule breakers. Just plain and simple fun. That is, until mom (or dad)arrives. Then the too high expectations kick in. The kid goes back into this world and sometimes,for a moment, I really want to say to that parent, “Wake up. Pay attention”. But it is not my place.

Judith, your last two paragraphs somehow blame the camp. Please. The camp is a business just like any other business. The parents are the ones paying. We have to keep them happy. They see allowing their kids special privileges as love. They are so mistaken. That is what it is. They have just forgotten what love really is. But their kids haven’t. And the camps haven’t either.